Humility is a funny thing. I am learning what it is like to learn to be humble, even as I am humbled by the work that God is doing in my life.
I've always struggled with pride, not in a 'I'm so wonderful' way but in a 'I can do this my self, I don't need help' kind of way. To me, the pride of self-sufficiency seems so sly, so clever. I excuse my unwillingness to ask for help, again and again, on the basis of independence, of not wanting to appear needy, of being able to stand on my own two feet. But, quite honestly, there are few times when standing by myself is better than standing with others.
And then there is the process of being humbled, a process that has taken me a bit by surprise, though it probably shouldn't have. I look back on this last year and I see all the ways that God has shown me that I need Him. That I cannot do this, do life, without Him. He has shown me in big ways, and He has shown me little ways, insignificant to anyone but me.
And still, I fight Him. Still I say, 'if I can just hold on, if I can just hold tight enough, I can do it myself." But, God is gracious to me, even in my pride. He knows that my pride is sourced in fear. If I am the only one I count on, I am the only one to blame when things fail.
Instead of admonishing me for my pride, God asks me about my fear. He asks me if I see, if I remember, if I know all that He has done for me. He shows me, every day, that He is in control, that He has everything well in hand.
On Sunday, my church had an all-church worship gathering, where people from all of our campuses came together to worship. It was our 'Commitment Sunday', the commencement of our new funding initiative. There I was, committing to tithing in a way that I never have before, a way that is a little scary, but that I know I can trust God to honor. I'm also fully involved in developing ministry partners to pray and support me as I work for Cru. It was scary, promising to be faithful in tithing when I don't even know if I'll be able to start working in August, if all my needed funds will come in. But God knows that I am scared. At the end of the service, the woman standing next to me asked me what I do. I told her that I work for Cru and that I'm starting full time in August, if everything goes well. I tell her how nervous I am, and how the whole service had felt like a huge step of faith. She proceeded to give me the most wonderful encouragement about the whole process of developing support. She, too, is a missionary, and knows first hand what that is like. She tells me about how she has seen God work in her own life through doing the very same thing.
I can hear God asking me, 'Why do you fear? Don't you see that I am with you?' I tell my mom this story, and her first response was, 'See? God sent her to you to tell you just what you needed to hear exactly when you needed to hear it.'
So yes, God, I see that You are with me. I know that you will lead me. I believe, help me in my unbelief.
Today's Verse
Mark 9:21-24
Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?”
“From childhood,” he answered. “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
An exploration of faith and hope in the midst of fibromyalgia and the various and sundry things of life.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
What Would It Take?
A friend shared a story with me today about a time when they were feeling unsure and someone asked them what it would take for them to feel encouraged. I feel like God has been asking me the same question recently.
"What would it take for you to feel encouraged, Devon? What would it take for you to feel assured?"
In my humanity, I think I respond all too often to those questions by asking for just a little bit more. I see the things God is doing in my life and the ways that He is providing, and I tend to say, 'Thank you! Now, could you also do something else? Something more? Something even bigger?" I let my fear undermine my certainty. I tell myself that all these things are good, but that more is needed in order to feel secure.
But this just isn't true. We needn't look at our lives and say that God is not doing enough. God does exactly what is needed, exactly when it is necessary. There is no reason to doubt that He will accomplish all the things He intends. God doesn't abandon His projects the way I might abandon a half-knitted scarf.
Today, I am responding to those questions with a heart full of gratitude. I thank the Lord for what He is doing in my life. I thank Him for showing me how He provides for me. I thank Him for leading me beside still waters and restoring my soul.
Today's Verses
Philippians 1: 6
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus
"What would it take for you to feel encouraged, Devon? What would it take for you to feel assured?"
In my humanity, I think I respond all too often to those questions by asking for just a little bit more. I see the things God is doing in my life and the ways that He is providing, and I tend to say, 'Thank you! Now, could you also do something else? Something more? Something even bigger?" I let my fear undermine my certainty. I tell myself that all these things are good, but that more is needed in order to feel secure.
But this just isn't true. We needn't look at our lives and say that God is not doing enough. God does exactly what is needed, exactly when it is necessary. There is no reason to doubt that He will accomplish all the things He intends. God doesn't abandon His projects the way I might abandon a half-knitted scarf.
Today, I am responding to those questions with a heart full of gratitude. I thank the Lord for what He is doing in my life. I thank Him for showing me how He provides for me. I thank Him for leading me beside still waters and restoring my soul.
Today's Verses
Philippians 1: 6
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus
Monday, April 28, 2014
Leap from the Lion's Head
Have you seen Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Do you remember the tests that Indiana has to pass in order to find the grail? One of those tests is referred to as the 'Path of God'. The clue given states that, "Only in the leap from the lion's head will he prove his worth." The scene is thus - Indiana is running through a tunnel towards the tunnel entrance only to reach the entrance and find that there is nowhere to go. He has reached the edge of a huge precipice. It is wide, and deep, and if he falls he will surely die. However, Indiana knows that he must cross the chasm to find the grail, to achieve his goal.
I feel a kinship with Indiana Jones right now. I feel as though I am standing on the edge of a (metaphorical) void. This last year of leaving graduate school has brought a lot of challenges, but none greater than the challenges I face now. As I prepare to join Cru and work with Penn State Faculty Commons, the ministry to graduate students and professors, everything will change. I'll be leaving my jobs, recruiting ministry partners, spending a great deal of time at home this summer and away from the support network I've spent the last four years building at Penn State. Things will be different, they may be difficult, and nothing is guaranteed.
However, like Indiana, I need to take a leap of faith. Indiana knows he needs to step off of the edge of the gorge, not knowing what will happen, in order to move forward, to reach his goal. It is that moment of the film that's running through my head right now. Putting the importance of his goal before his own fear, he steps off, and suddenly, his foot hits solid ground. The camera angle changes, and we see that there was a path across the chasm all along, hidden from view. That is what leaps of faith in God are like. We step off the edge of whatever we are journeying through, trusting God to make a way for us that we can't yet see. God is faithful to meet us there, supporting us, placing solid ground beneath our feet.
You know that phrase, if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it? As cliche as it sounds, it's incredible true, and it is something I need to keep at the forefront of my mind.
What are the leaps of faith God is asking you to take?
Today's Verse
Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
I feel a kinship with Indiana Jones right now. I feel as though I am standing on the edge of a (metaphorical) void. This last year of leaving graduate school has brought a lot of challenges, but none greater than the challenges I face now. As I prepare to join Cru and work with Penn State Faculty Commons, the ministry to graduate students and professors, everything will change. I'll be leaving my jobs, recruiting ministry partners, spending a great deal of time at home this summer and away from the support network I've spent the last four years building at Penn State. Things will be different, they may be difficult, and nothing is guaranteed.
However, like Indiana, I need to take a leap of faith. Indiana knows he needs to step off of the edge of the gorge, not knowing what will happen, in order to move forward, to reach his goal. It is that moment of the film that's running through my head right now. Putting the importance of his goal before his own fear, he steps off, and suddenly, his foot hits solid ground. The camera angle changes, and we see that there was a path across the chasm all along, hidden from view. That is what leaps of faith in God are like. We step off the edge of whatever we are journeying through, trusting God to make a way for us that we can't yet see. God is faithful to meet us there, supporting us, placing solid ground beneath our feet.
You know that phrase, if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it? As cliche as it sounds, it's incredible true, and it is something I need to keep at the forefront of my mind.
What are the leaps of faith God is asking you to take?
Today's Verse
Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
In the Wake of Greatness
Nelson Mandela has died. He is, without question, one of the greatest figures to have shaped the modern socio-politcal age. He was a figurehead in South Africa, the face of a nation, and the name that is attributed to the end of apartheid. He was a game-changer, a man who literally changed the world through his life and his legacy.
In the wake of his death, I wonder what the impact of my own life, my own legacy will be. I am reminded of Nichole Nordeman's words in her song 'Legacy'. She states,
"I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy."
This is my prayer today. I do want to leave a mark, to leave an offering pleasing to the Lord. I want to bless His name, unapologetically. I want to lead people to the Cross as others have so faithfully led me. I want to leave a legacy of the grace and love and mercy found at the feet of Jesus.
I am so blessed to have grown up in a family and community that embraced these things, and to have found people who encourage me and who continue to live out Christ's message of salvation as I've reached adulthood. I pray that I would continue to embrace the message of the Gospel, and that I would share it with others so that they, too, would understand and grasp the hope to which I am called through Christ. Life is, indeed, too short. However, eternity is long, and I look forward to spending that eternity worshiping my dear Jesus.
What is your legacy?
Today's Verse
John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believed in Him would not perish, but would have eternal life.
In the wake of his death, I wonder what the impact of my own life, my own legacy will be. I am reminded of Nichole Nordeman's words in her song 'Legacy'. She states,
"I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy."
This is my prayer today. I do want to leave a mark, to leave an offering pleasing to the Lord. I want to bless His name, unapologetically. I want to lead people to the Cross as others have so faithfully led me. I want to leave a legacy of the grace and love and mercy found at the feet of Jesus.
I am so blessed to have grown up in a family and community that embraced these things, and to have found people who encourage me and who continue to live out Christ's message of salvation as I've reached adulthood. I pray that I would continue to embrace the message of the Gospel, and that I would share it with others so that they, too, would understand and grasp the hope to which I am called through Christ. Life is, indeed, too short. However, eternity is long, and I look forward to spending that eternity worshiping my dear Jesus.
What is your legacy?
Today's Verse
John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believed in Him would not perish, but would have eternal life.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Hairdryers and Vacuums
God provides.
This can be a perplexing phrase, especially given how very big and vague it often seems. God's provision can entail everything from economic miracles to a ride home from college for Christmas. I think I tend to forget the 'smaller' nature of God's provision, especially when He is providing in big ways. I get into this mindset that, when God is handling the really big things, it's only right that I pick up the slack with the little things.
God has been showing me that He has the little things covered as well as the big things, even the things so small that I don't even know they need covering, the things I've never even considered bringing before Him.
In the last month, God has proven His provision, even in the little things, to me through small household appliances. A dear friend presented me with a new hairdryer, declaring that mine was entirely too heavy for hands plagued by fibromyalgia and carpal tunnel. She was right. The new one is amazing, not only incredibly light but it makes my hair look fantastic. I didn't even know I needed a new hairdryer or that one could be such a blessing, but God new that a new hairdryer would make each morning's routine that much better, that much less stressful and so each time I use it it is a reminder of his blessings in my life. Then, today, another dear friend brought me a vacuum. I've been existing without one for months, painstakingly sweeping the carpet whenever I have the energy (which, I confess, isn't often - that's a lot of work). But, without even the meager stipend grad school offered, the money I do have just isn't earmarked for things like a vacuum. But God knows. And I have friends who had an extra vacuum lying around, perfectly functional, and unused.
So now, as I type this, I have blown dried hair and vacuumed carpets. And while those things are small and often go unnoticed, I am noticing their presence today, and I am so thankful for the way God has provided them.
Today's Verse
Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
This can be a perplexing phrase, especially given how very big and vague it often seems. God's provision can entail everything from economic miracles to a ride home from college for Christmas. I think I tend to forget the 'smaller' nature of God's provision, especially when He is providing in big ways. I get into this mindset that, when God is handling the really big things, it's only right that I pick up the slack with the little things.
God has been showing me that He has the little things covered as well as the big things, even the things so small that I don't even know they need covering, the things I've never even considered bringing before Him.
In the last month, God has proven His provision, even in the little things, to me through small household appliances. A dear friend presented me with a new hairdryer, declaring that mine was entirely too heavy for hands plagued by fibromyalgia and carpal tunnel. She was right. The new one is amazing, not only incredibly light but it makes my hair look fantastic. I didn't even know I needed a new hairdryer or that one could be such a blessing, but God new that a new hairdryer would make each morning's routine that much better, that much less stressful and so each time I use it it is a reminder of his blessings in my life. Then, today, another dear friend brought me a vacuum. I've been existing without one for months, painstakingly sweeping the carpet whenever I have the energy (which, I confess, isn't often - that's a lot of work). But, without even the meager stipend grad school offered, the money I do have just isn't earmarked for things like a vacuum. But God knows. And I have friends who had an extra vacuum lying around, perfectly functional, and unused.
So now, as I type this, I have blown dried hair and vacuumed carpets. And while those things are small and often go unnoticed, I am noticing their presence today, and I am so thankful for the way God has provided them.
Today's Verse
Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
It is Well
At a recent ministry meeting we sang the hymn It is Well. Now, this has always been one of my favorite hymns, but this week it was such a beautiful reflection of exactly how I have been feeling. Recently, I have been blessed by a period of time where I have been truly experiencing the Lord's provision and grace and presence in my life, and the assurance that it is well with my soul is incredibly real.
I recently heard a quote from Darrin Patrick that states that, "the reason you don't trust God with your future is because you aren't experiencing Him in your present." This is such a true description of my life. In times when my faith falters and I am consumed by doubt and unable to trust God with my future, I am not experiencing God. When I experience God, his faithfulness is real in a way that my circumstances might belie. When I experience God, I know the hope to which I am called in Christ Jesus.
Recently, I have found myself in the strange and new position of knowing that God is entirely trustworthy, that He will be faithful, and still having to accept that I don't know how He will provide. I have been experiencing God in brand new ways, and yet I have had still had to learn that trusting God doesn't mean having all the answers. Instead, it means that, in the absence of answers, I still believe. It means that, when I don't see a way out, I know that there is one, and that God will reveal it in His own timing. It means that, whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to know, it is well, it is well, with my soul.
Today's Verse
Psalm 46: 1-3, 7
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fill into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging...The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
I recently heard a quote from Darrin Patrick that states that, "the reason you don't trust God with your future is because you aren't experiencing Him in your present." This is such a true description of my life. In times when my faith falters and I am consumed by doubt and unable to trust God with my future, I am not experiencing God. When I experience God, his faithfulness is real in a way that my circumstances might belie. When I experience God, I know the hope to which I am called in Christ Jesus.
Recently, I have found myself in the strange and new position of knowing that God is entirely trustworthy, that He will be faithful, and still having to accept that I don't know how He will provide. I have been experiencing God in brand new ways, and yet I have had still had to learn that trusting God doesn't mean having all the answers. Instead, it means that, in the absence of answers, I still believe. It means that, when I don't see a way out, I know that there is one, and that God will reveal it in His own timing. It means that, whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to know, it is well, it is well, with my soul.
Today's Verse
Psalm 46: 1-3, 7
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fill into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging...The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
The Caller or the Calling?
During the sermon at church on Sunday, our pastor said something that spoke directly into my life. He said that God places us in situations and circumstances that challenge us in order to discover whether we will love Him more than we love what He has called us to do. One of the biggest struggles of the Christian life can be eliminating our pride in our God-given passions and talents and submitting to the sovereign will of God.
My journey out of grad school was all about this submission. I wanted that PhD. I wanted to prove to the world that the brain God gave me really was top-notch. I wanted to prove that my ideas were stellar and new and impressive. But God didn't care about my ideas, He cared about my heart. He didn't care about whether others thought I was brilliant, He cared about what would bring Him glory. He knew that a career in academia was primarily about me. It was about Him too, but I was the one in the drivers seat.
So He asked me, "Devon, do you love me more than you love your calling?" He kept asking, and kept putting me in circumstances that challenged my thinking and changed my heart, until He got the right answer. Once I reached a point where I truly loved God more than I loved my calling, more than I loved the idea of my own success, my whole life changed.
As I began to do what God wanted and to do those things solely for His glory, my whole perspective changed, and my life became about Him and not about me. I was free to forget about myself and focus on God. I was free to stop worrying about what others thought, and I became concerned only with pleasing an audience of one. I gave my whole self to God and found that my calling matters so much less than my relationship with the One who calls me.
Today's Verse
Colossians 3: 16-17
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him
My journey out of grad school was all about this submission. I wanted that PhD. I wanted to prove to the world that the brain God gave me really was top-notch. I wanted to prove that my ideas were stellar and new and impressive. But God didn't care about my ideas, He cared about my heart. He didn't care about whether others thought I was brilliant, He cared about what would bring Him glory. He knew that a career in academia was primarily about me. It was about Him too, but I was the one in the drivers seat.
So He asked me, "Devon, do you love me more than you love your calling?" He kept asking, and kept putting me in circumstances that challenged my thinking and changed my heart, until He got the right answer. Once I reached a point where I truly loved God more than I loved my calling, more than I loved the idea of my own success, my whole life changed.
As I began to do what God wanted and to do those things solely for His glory, my whole perspective changed, and my life became about Him and not about me. I was free to forget about myself and focus on God. I was free to stop worrying about what others thought, and I became concerned only with pleasing an audience of one. I gave my whole self to God and found that my calling matters so much less than my relationship with the One who calls me.
Today's Verse
Colossians 3: 16-17
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him
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