This morning I was reminded yet again that God is in control and that I need to submit and surrender my whole life, successes and failures, to Him. I’m operating on a schedule that is more demanding than any I’ve ever had to deal with before, and today I realized that a number of things have fallen through the cracks. Are any of them major, life altering things that deserve panic? No. However, I hate letting people down and I hate that feeling in my stomach that crops up when I realize I’ve forgotten something. It’s so reminiscent of forgetting that an assignment is due and waking up the morning of the due date and saying “Oh no! That’s today!”
My childhood was full of moments like that, and I thought I’d grown beyond that kind of absent mindedness. I thought I’d gotten to a point where I wouldn’t forget things so that I didn’t have to hear that small voice inside me that loves to remind me how often I fail. I didn’t think I’d have to deal with the fact that that voice just gets louder when I realize that things have gone undone or been entirely forgotten.
The voice tells me that I let people down. It tells me I’m always a few degrees off center and that everyone is disappointed. It tells me that it’s no wonder that God has to teach me so many lessons, because I keep failing to learn and that He is tired of me too. Today I am reminding myself that the voice lies. I’m reminding myself that I am human and as such cannot be perfect. I’m reminding myself that the grace that comes with Christ’s love covers me. I’m reminding myself that I am not so important or essential that everyone could be disappointed in me. I’m reminding myself that humility means admitting when I’ve made mistakes and then letting them go, refusing to beat myself up, refusing to give in to the pride inherent in a defeatist attitude.
Our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.