I have a long to do list. There are a ton of things that I need or want to be doing, situations that need handling, and problems that need solving. What I'm continually realizing is that I can't do those things, handle those situations, or solve those problems alone.
It's strange for me to find myself facing things that I just don't have an solution for. I always have an answer. Teachers ask questions, and I raise my hand. I've been a professional student for years. To suddenly see obstacles in my life that have me saying, "I don't know what to do," is scary. I know that I am supposed to trust God with all of these things, with everything, that I am supposed to simply surrender my whole life to Him, but these are new circumstances that I don't have practice surrendering. I don't know how God will provide. I'm having trouble seeing a way through that doesn't involve some seriously amazing and undeserved provision from the Lord.
And that's the crux of the issue. It's not that I don't think God provides, it's that I find myself unsure that He will provide for me. I find myself doubting whether He will look at me and say "Yes, I will do these great and unfathomable things for her." I know He works in phenomenal ways for others, but it's so hard for me to trust that He will treat me the same way.
So right now, for me, it's not just about surrendering my circumstances. It's also about surrendering to how God sees me, to how He loves me. It's about trusting that He works all things together for my good, even when I'm not good enough to deserve it. It's about recognizing that, on my own, I am never going to measure up or be able to earn the love and care of the Almighty, but that Christ paid the ultimate price so that I never have to. It's about total, all encompassing trust that God knows me, knows my life, knows my future, and will make all His plans come to pass.
1 John 3:19-20
This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: if our our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.