I've always been confident. I've always had the answer in class, I've always been good at not caring about whether I had lots of friends, I've always had trouble understanding insecurity. Growing up, my mom often told me how amazed and happy she was that I was able to find my self-worth outside of the opinions of others, the social pressures to be a certain way, to think a certain thing. She has always been thankful that I love myself.
It wasn't until this weekend, at a retreat designed to help 'remove the stones' from our lives, that I realized that the person I just described hasn't been me in a while. Unbeknownst to me, the love I always thought was there inside me, love for who and what I was, has been steadily eroding. Since I was 14, chronic illness and broken encounters and relationships with others have taught me that I'm not worth investing in, that I'm not worth supporting, that there will always be someone else, someone easier, someone less broken, for people to spend their time and effort on.
But these are lies. God says I have worth. God says I do deserve love. God says I am whole and strong, even though I have fibromyalgia. God says I am longed for, even though I've been put aside in the past. God says I am valuable, even though I've been used.
God says I need to relearn how to love myself.
What does loving yourself look like? I'm no longer sure I know, but I am sure that I want to learn.
Today's Verse
Psalm 139: 14
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
An exploration of faith and hope in the midst of fibromyalgia and the various and sundry things of life.
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Monday, March 25, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
What Really Matters
Today I find myself incredibly aware of the protective nature and provision of God. I'm not quite sure why these things are so clear to me today, but I do know that the feelings of peace and assurance that go with them make going about the day and my to do list a lot easier.
I am in the midst of the (hopefully) final revisions and changes for my Master's Thesis. I've sent it to my committee chairs. They might hate it. They might want me to do even more work. The whole process has now officially taken two semesters longer than it was supposed to: what if they hold that against me? What if they don't want me to pass?
I've realized that it doesn't matter what they think. Not really. If they want me to pour more work into my thesis, I will. But it won't change what really matters, because I don't do this work for them. I don't do it for my department. I do it for God and for me. I work hard, not to please my department, but because being a diligent steward of my talents and skills is something God calls me to do. All I care about is whether my work glorifies Him, not Penn State, not my adviser.
My department might not be pleased with me, but if I am walking the path God lays before me, that is all that matters. God goes before me, He honors me and my work when I honor Him. He protects and provides exactly what I need, in academics and in other areas of my life. When I make it about Him, when I keep my eyes on the true prize, the pressures and distractions of academia fade away and I am left with only God. And that's what matters.
What distracts you from God? Are you looking for approval from other sources?
Today's Verses
Psalm 91: 14-15
"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him."
I am in the midst of the (hopefully) final revisions and changes for my Master's Thesis. I've sent it to my committee chairs. They might hate it. They might want me to do even more work. The whole process has now officially taken two semesters longer than it was supposed to: what if they hold that against me? What if they don't want me to pass?
I've realized that it doesn't matter what they think. Not really. If they want me to pour more work into my thesis, I will. But it won't change what really matters, because I don't do this work for them. I don't do it for my department. I do it for God and for me. I work hard, not to please my department, but because being a diligent steward of my talents and skills is something God calls me to do. All I care about is whether my work glorifies Him, not Penn State, not my adviser.
My department might not be pleased with me, but if I am walking the path God lays before me, that is all that matters. God goes before me, He honors me and my work when I honor Him. He protects and provides exactly what I need, in academics and in other areas of my life. When I make it about Him, when I keep my eyes on the true prize, the pressures and distractions of academia fade away and I am left with only God. And that's what matters.
What distracts you from God? Are you looking for approval from other sources?
Today's Verses
Psalm 91: 14-15
"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him."
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
False Humility
Humility is something God calls us to have, but it is a virtue that I often hear defined in terms of what it is not. I hear it talked about in contrast to false humility and pride. When people talk about false humility I tend to picture pride. I tend to think of these two concepts as synonymous. I think of people who do things for others but with an attitude of martyrdom. I hear, "Look how humble and selfless I am being, isn't it great?" Today I discover that false humility is NOT pride. Instead, false humility is the extreme opposite of pride. Where pride is feeling superior, being conceited, and arrogance, false humility is thinking poorly about one's self and feeling inferior. True humility (not boasting, being ready to serve, being teachable) is found in between these two concepts on the humility/pride continuum.
For me, the line between true humility and false humility can be so hard to see and so easy to cross. I find it common for me to think negative thoughts about myself. I excuse those thoughts, telling myself that at least I am being humble, at least I am being realistic. The little voice inside me that tells me I am not good enough is also the one that tells me that humility means realizing I am not good enough and accepting it. It tells me that humility means accepting that I don't belong, that I never will, that no one would ever like the real me, that even God doesn't like the real me. But this little voice is not my conscience, it is not the truth, it is not the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Where the Holy Spirit teaches, Satan condemns. Where the Holy Spirits convicts us about our sin, Satan attempts to convict us about ourselves. Satan attacks the sinner, not the sin. Satan wants us to be falsely humble, God wants us to adopt the humility of Christ.
When I find myself believing negative things about myself, things that have nothing to do with my actions and everything to do with the very fabric of who I am, and when those things are in direct conflict with who God says I am, it isn't humility. I don't need to fear that God thinks I'm unlovable or crippled or that I will never be of use. Humility is not self-loathing. God doesn't want us to loath ourselves, he wants us to rejoice in who he has made us to be. We are no longer defined by our faults and failures. We don't have to accept a negative view of ourselves in order to be humble. Instead, we attempt to be like Christ, who humbled himself for the good of all, knowing exactly who He was and being intimately aware of His value to God.
What does that little voice tell you? Ask God to show you who He believes you are.
Today's Verses
2 Corinthians 5:16-17
So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
For me, the line between true humility and false humility can be so hard to see and so easy to cross. I find it common for me to think negative thoughts about myself. I excuse those thoughts, telling myself that at least I am being humble, at least I am being realistic. The little voice inside me that tells me I am not good enough is also the one that tells me that humility means realizing I am not good enough and accepting it. It tells me that humility means accepting that I don't belong, that I never will, that no one would ever like the real me, that even God doesn't like the real me. But this little voice is not my conscience, it is not the truth, it is not the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Where the Holy Spirit teaches, Satan condemns. Where the Holy Spirits convicts us about our sin, Satan attempts to convict us about ourselves. Satan attacks the sinner, not the sin. Satan wants us to be falsely humble, God wants us to adopt the humility of Christ.
When I find myself believing negative things about myself, things that have nothing to do with my actions and everything to do with the very fabric of who I am, and when those things are in direct conflict with who God says I am, it isn't humility. I don't need to fear that God thinks I'm unlovable or crippled or that I will never be of use. Humility is not self-loathing. God doesn't want us to loath ourselves, he wants us to rejoice in who he has made us to be. We are no longer defined by our faults and failures. We don't have to accept a negative view of ourselves in order to be humble. Instead, we attempt to be like Christ, who humbled himself for the good of all, knowing exactly who He was and being intimately aware of His value to God.
What does that little voice tell you? Ask God to show you who He believes you are.
Today's Verses
2 Corinthians 5:16-17
So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
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