He Will Give You Rest

Today was (and continues to be) what I call a 'bad fibro day'. My whole body hurts, I groan when I stand up, and I can barely keep my eyes open.

It can be hard to see and feel God on days like today.  It's hard for me to not get things done, not because I'm procrastinating but because I'm not capable of comprehending anything complicated when my body feels like this, when my medication fogs up my brain. It's hard not to throw myself myself a pity party and invite everyone I know.

I do find, however, that it is easy to rest. If I put aside my massive grad school to do list, it's easy to just chill.  I can take this time of laying in bed to pray, to read my Bible between bouts of sleep, to catch up on emails. I can take this time, use it, and embrace it if I slow down enough.

I think resting, in a large part, means giving up control. I can't control my body or my health. I can't control when my disability will rear its ugly head.  I can't control how my department responds to my pace at work. But God can. God has all things in his Hands. We can give up our burdens to Him, and He will gladly take on their weight.

Today I am resting, giving over control, and letting God handle things.

Are you trusting God with your burdens?

Today's Verse
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

He Is

I think coming home from a retreat can be harder than whatever it is I've been through or dealt with at the retreat.  Bringing myself back to a familiar environment, full of familiar schedules, familiar pattern can make holding on the changes I experienced elsewhere rather difficult.

Today I find myself full of thoughts about what I AM. Today I AM tired, I AM in pain, and I AM afraid I won't be able to cling to the weekend's revelations. I AM trying hard to remember the things I learned about myself this weekend. I AM trying hard to keep moving forward.

In the midst of all this I am reminded that it isn't what I am that matters. It isn't my efforts that matter. Without God and His sovereign assistance, I can do nothing, but with Christ I can do all things. With Christ I can have energy. With Christ I can ignore the pain. With Christ I can continue learning, continue moving forward. With Christ I don't have to be afraid of staying the same.

HE IS a supplier, defender, protector, teacher, motivator, father, friend. And I am realizing that He is enough.

Today's Verse
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

Loving Yourself

I've always been confident. I've always had the answer in class, I've always been good at not caring about whether I had lots of friends, I've always had trouble understanding insecurity. Growing up, my mom often told me how amazed and happy she was that I was able to find my self-worth outside of the opinions of others, the social pressures to be a certain way, to think a certain thing. She has always been thankful that I love myself.

It wasn't until this weekend, at a retreat designed to help 'remove the stones' from our lives, that I realized that the person I just described hasn't been me in a while. Unbeknownst to me, the love I always thought was there inside me, love for who and what I was, has been steadily eroding. Since I was 14, chronic illness and broken encounters and relationships with others have taught me that I'm not worth investing in, that I'm not worth supporting, that there will always be someone else, someone easier, someone less broken, for people to spend their time and effort on.

But these are lies. God says I have worth. God says I do deserve love. God says I am whole and strong, even though I have fibromyalgia. God says I am longed for, even though I've been put aside in the past. God says I am valuable, even though I've been used.

God says I need to relearn how to love myself.

What does loving yourself look like? I'm no longer sure I know, but I am sure that I want to learn.

Today's Verse
Psalm 139: 14
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Being Thankful

1 Thessalonians 5:18 says to "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 

Today it is difficult for me to be thankful in my circumstances. I wake up with a splitting headache and my whole body hurts - from my neck to my toes, I am in pain. I'm not unfamiliar with this, I've had fibromyalgia longer than I can remember, I am always aware that I could wake up any day, feeling just like this. But what is there to be thankful for when I can't move without wincing? 

The answer is in the small things. Thankful in my circumstances doesn't have to mean thankful for my pain. It means finding other things, smaller things to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for a friend who had me over and cooked me dinner. I didn't have to stand in the kitchen or wash dishes. I just had to show up, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that God has placed people in my life who care for me, who insist that I eat actual food, even when I don't feel like it, and who cook it for me.  

Today's Verse 
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18   
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."