Today was (and continues to be) what I call a 'bad fibro day'. My whole body hurts, I groan when I stand up, and I can barely keep my eyes open.
It can be hard to see and feel God on days like today. It's hard for me to not get things done, not because I'm procrastinating but because I'm not capable of comprehending anything complicated when my body feels like this, when my medication fogs up my brain. It's hard not to throw myself myself a pity party and invite everyone I know.
I do find, however, that it is easy to rest. If I put aside my massive grad school to do list, it's easy to just chill. I can take this time of laying in bed to pray, to read my Bible between bouts of sleep, to catch up on emails. I can take this time, use it, and embrace it if I slow down enough.
I think resting, in a large part, means giving up control. I can't control my body or my health. I can't control when my disability will rear its ugly head. I can't control how my department responds to my pace at work. But God can. God has all things in his Hands. We can give up our burdens to Him, and He will gladly take on their weight.
Today I am resting, giving over control, and letting God handle things.
Are you trusting God with your burdens?
Today's Verse
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
An exploration of faith and hope in the midst of fibromyalgia and the various and sundry things of life.
Showing posts with label fibromyalgia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fibromyalgia. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
This Is What Love Is
I realized recently (and spoke about it a little) that my views and expectations of what love is and what it looks like have become a bit warped. Being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a chronic pain disorder for which there is no cure, only symptom management, had a huge impact on how I thought and felt about myself. Interpersonal disappointments taught me not to rely on others to be there for me, to support me.
Gradually, I lost sight of what real love is, what it looks like. I even lost sight of God's love for me, and what that looks like. I spoke with Him, heard from Him, but had lost sight of the nature of His love.
On Good Friday, my church hosted an event called 'The Way of the Cross'. In the sanctuary there was a wooden cross, laid on a platform, and we were asked to pick up a word written on a card that described an attitude that we wanted to let go of. We were then to take a nail, and nail the card to the cross.
I chose the card 'Unbelief'. The word 'unbelief' perfectly describes my struggle to understand the love of God, to believe that His love is mine for the taking, that He wants ME and loves ME. I nailed the card to the cross and moved to the next station, shaking with the emotion evoked by taking a hammer and piercing the wood of that cross, literally laying my sin down at the cross. The next station invited us to do any number of a variety of worship activities, including just sitting and beings still, listening for God's voice.
On the screen nearby, there was a projector showing a series images of Jesus on the cross. As I watched the images change, I was overwhelmed with the knowledge that THIS is love. God gave His ONLY son, sacrificed His most beloved child, for ME. Not just us as a whole, the world, humanity, but as individuals. He did it for ME. He did it for YOU. He loved me, He loved you, all those long years ago. He knew me, knew you, even then. He knew that I, knew that you, would be separated from Him without the blood of Christ, and He wanted that to change. Christ loved me, loved you enough to give up His own life, enough to take the weight of our sin on His shoulders and pay the ultimate price. THIS IS HOW GOD LOVES ME, THIS IS HOW HE LOVES YOU.
Overwhelmingly. Sacrificially. Totally.
This is what love is.
Today's Verses
1 John 3: 1, 16
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God. And that is what we are...By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us
Gradually, I lost sight of what real love is, what it looks like. I even lost sight of God's love for me, and what that looks like. I spoke with Him, heard from Him, but had lost sight of the nature of His love.
On Good Friday, my church hosted an event called 'The Way of the Cross'. In the sanctuary there was a wooden cross, laid on a platform, and we were asked to pick up a word written on a card that described an attitude that we wanted to let go of. We were then to take a nail, and nail the card to the cross.
I chose the card 'Unbelief'. The word 'unbelief' perfectly describes my struggle to understand the love of God, to believe that His love is mine for the taking, that He wants ME and loves ME. I nailed the card to the cross and moved to the next station, shaking with the emotion evoked by taking a hammer and piercing the wood of that cross, literally laying my sin down at the cross. The next station invited us to do any number of a variety of worship activities, including just sitting and beings still, listening for God's voice.
On the screen nearby, there was a projector showing a series images of Jesus on the cross. As I watched the images change, I was overwhelmed with the knowledge that THIS is love. God gave His ONLY son, sacrificed His most beloved child, for ME. Not just us as a whole, the world, humanity, but as individuals. He did it for ME. He did it for YOU. He loved me, He loved you, all those long years ago. He knew me, knew you, even then. He knew that I, knew that you, would be separated from Him without the blood of Christ, and He wanted that to change. Christ loved me, loved you enough to give up His own life, enough to take the weight of our sin on His shoulders and pay the ultimate price. THIS IS HOW GOD LOVES ME, THIS IS HOW HE LOVES YOU.
Overwhelmingly. Sacrificially. Totally.
This is what love is.
Today's Verses
1 John 3: 1, 16
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God. And that is what we are...By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us
Monday, March 25, 2013
Loving Yourself
I've always been confident. I've always had the answer in class, I've always been good at not caring about whether I had lots of friends, I've always had trouble understanding insecurity. Growing up, my mom often told me how amazed and happy she was that I was able to find my self-worth outside of the opinions of others, the social pressures to be a certain way, to think a certain thing. She has always been thankful that I love myself.
It wasn't until this weekend, at a retreat designed to help 'remove the stones' from our lives, that I realized that the person I just described hasn't been me in a while. Unbeknownst to me, the love I always thought was there inside me, love for who and what I was, has been steadily eroding. Since I was 14, chronic illness and broken encounters and relationships with others have taught me that I'm not worth investing in, that I'm not worth supporting, that there will always be someone else, someone easier, someone less broken, for people to spend their time and effort on.
But these are lies. God says I have worth. God says I do deserve love. God says I am whole and strong, even though I have fibromyalgia. God says I am longed for, even though I've been put aside in the past. God says I am valuable, even though I've been used.
God says I need to relearn how to love myself.
What does loving yourself look like? I'm no longer sure I know, but I am sure that I want to learn.
Today's Verse
Psalm 139: 14
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
It wasn't until this weekend, at a retreat designed to help 'remove the stones' from our lives, that I realized that the person I just described hasn't been me in a while. Unbeknownst to me, the love I always thought was there inside me, love for who and what I was, has been steadily eroding. Since I was 14, chronic illness and broken encounters and relationships with others have taught me that I'm not worth investing in, that I'm not worth supporting, that there will always be someone else, someone easier, someone less broken, for people to spend their time and effort on.
But these are lies. God says I have worth. God says I do deserve love. God says I am whole and strong, even though I have fibromyalgia. God says I am longed for, even though I've been put aside in the past. God says I am valuable, even though I've been used.
God says I need to relearn how to love myself.
What does loving yourself look like? I'm no longer sure I know, but I am sure that I want to learn.
Today's Verse
Psalm 139: 14
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Friday, March 15, 2013
When the Walls Fall
I spend a lot of time marching around my personal Jerichos, waiting and trusting that one day God will bring down the walls. Today I wonder what I would do if those walls were to suddenly fall down, right now.
Am I ready for that? I know I want it, I know I would be happy and thankful to see those barriers disappear. But what would I do? Would I be ready?
If I woke up tomorrow and no longer had fibromyalgia, would I have any idea how to live my life? Would I manage my time responsibly or would I give and give of my time and energy until I had nothing left for myself?
If I woke up tomorrow to find myself in a relationship with the man of my dreams, would I live happily ever after? Would I handle my relationship with emotional maturity or would I be fearful and insecure because I fail to see myself the way God sees me?
I think I still have things God is working out in my life. Things that having fibromyalgia and being single force into the light. I think my work is not yet done. I still have some marching, some trusting God, to do.
Are there pieces of your life that you aren't happy with but that God is redeeming?
Today's Verse
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.
Am I ready for that? I know I want it, I know I would be happy and thankful to see those barriers disappear. But what would I do? Would I be ready?
If I woke up tomorrow and no longer had fibromyalgia, would I have any idea how to live my life? Would I manage my time responsibly or would I give and give of my time and energy until I had nothing left for myself?
If I woke up tomorrow to find myself in a relationship with the man of my dreams, would I live happily ever after? Would I handle my relationship with emotional maturity or would I be fearful and insecure because I fail to see myself the way God sees me?
I think I still have things God is working out in my life. Things that having fibromyalgia and being single force into the light. I think my work is not yet done. I still have some marching, some trusting God, to do.
Are there pieces of your life that you aren't happy with but that God is redeeming?
Today's Verse
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Slowing Down
Sometimes I think that the reason I have fibromyalgia is so that I am forced to slow down, to accept my own limitations. To accept the help only God can give and to force me to maintain boundaries with my time and energy. Tonight, I am sick with a cold and as much as I want to spend time with my friends, I need to stay home and rest. If I want to be at full strength tomorrow, I have to invest time in doing little today, in doing what's best for me.
I often feel pressure to do what other people need or want instead of what I need or want. I am pathologically afraid of appearing needy or high maintenance, and that means that I often have trouble saying no and setting healthy boundaries for my time and energy. It means that I often find myself running through life, full steam ahead, until suddenly I have nothing left to give anyone, let alone myself.
Tonight I am taking the time to recharge. I am looking to be filled, to be on my own, to fill up my reserves so that I can go back out into my life tomorrow with energy and purpose. Taking time for myself now means I can better serve God and others later.
Are you taking time for yourself? Are you maintaining healthy boundaries?
Today's Verse
Psalm 19:7
The law of the Lord is perfect, refreshing the soul. The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple.
I often feel pressure to do what other people need or want instead of what I need or want. I am pathologically afraid of appearing needy or high maintenance, and that means that I often have trouble saying no and setting healthy boundaries for my time and energy. It means that I often find myself running through life, full steam ahead, until suddenly I have nothing left to give anyone, let alone myself.
Tonight I am taking the time to recharge. I am looking to be filled, to be on my own, to fill up my reserves so that I can go back out into my life tomorrow with energy and purpose. Taking time for myself now means I can better serve God and others later.
Are you taking time for yourself? Are you maintaining healthy boundaries?
Today's Verse
Psalm 19:7
The law of the Lord is perfect, refreshing the soul. The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Take Advantage
I love when I wake up early, full of energy, and get to spend that unexpected and unscheduled time with God. For those of you who know just how much I love sleeping, this probably sounds completely out of character - and generally, you would be right. This morning, however, it's how I feel.
I went to bed late last night, and then I woke up much earlier than usual this morning, unable to go back to sleep for those last couple of hours. Surprisingly, I didn't mind. Instead of fighting to go back to sleep, annoyed that I wouldn't get my full 8 hours, I found myself full of things to talk about with God and full of energy so that I could get up and start the day. The house was quiet, my earlier-than-scheduled walk to campus was virtually empty of people. I felt like it was just me and God.
By the time I got to my campus office, two hours earlier than I had planned when I set my alarm last night, I had gotten up, gotten dressed, gotten ready for work, done my devotions, and spent some serious time in prayer and it was only 7 am.
Often, having fibromyalgia means dragging myself out of bed after at least 8 hours of sleep - preferably more. But, sometimes, the sleeplessness that comes with my disease means a day of wakefulness that starts early, giving me the opportunity to carve out a larger chunk of time for God and still check things off my to do list.
Having fibromyalgia means taking advantage of the opportunities God blesses me with whenever possible. It means finding the silver lining in only 5 hours of sleep, using it for worship and good work, rather than wasting it trying to will myself back to sleep.
Are you taking advantages of the unexpected opportunities God is giving you to connect with him?
Today's Verse
Psalm 5:3
In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.
I went to bed late last night, and then I woke up much earlier than usual this morning, unable to go back to sleep for those last couple of hours. Surprisingly, I didn't mind. Instead of fighting to go back to sleep, annoyed that I wouldn't get my full 8 hours, I found myself full of things to talk about with God and full of energy so that I could get up and start the day. The house was quiet, my earlier-than-scheduled walk to campus was virtually empty of people. I felt like it was just me and God.
By the time I got to my campus office, two hours earlier than I had planned when I set my alarm last night, I had gotten up, gotten dressed, gotten ready for work, done my devotions, and spent some serious time in prayer and it was only 7 am.
Often, having fibromyalgia means dragging myself out of bed after at least 8 hours of sleep - preferably more. But, sometimes, the sleeplessness that comes with my disease means a day of wakefulness that starts early, giving me the opportunity to carve out a larger chunk of time for God and still check things off my to do list.
Having fibromyalgia means taking advantage of the opportunities God blesses me with whenever possible. It means finding the silver lining in only 5 hours of sleep, using it for worship and good work, rather than wasting it trying to will myself back to sleep.
Are you taking advantages of the unexpected opportunities God is giving you to connect with him?
Today's Verse
Psalm 5:3
In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Being Thankful
1 Thessalonians 5:18 says to "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
Today it is difficult for me to be thankful in my circumstances. I wake up with a splitting headache and my whole body hurts - from my neck to my toes, I am in pain. I'm not unfamiliar with this, I've had fibromyalgia longer than I can remember, I am always aware that I could wake up any day, feeling just like this. But what is there to be thankful for when I can't move without wincing?
The answer is in the small things. Thankful in my circumstances doesn't have to mean thankful for my pain. It means finding other things, smaller things to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for a friend who had me over and cooked me dinner. I didn't have to stand in the kitchen or wash dishes. I just had to show up, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that God has placed people in my life who care for me, who insist that I eat actual food, even when I don't feel like it, and who cook it for me.
Today's Verse
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
Today it is difficult for me to be thankful in my circumstances. I wake up with a splitting headache and my whole body hurts - from my neck to my toes, I am in pain. I'm not unfamiliar with this, I've had fibromyalgia longer than I can remember, I am always aware that I could wake up any day, feeling just like this. But what is there to be thankful for when I can't move without wincing?
The answer is in the small things. Thankful in my circumstances doesn't have to mean thankful for my pain. It means finding other things, smaller things to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for a friend who had me over and cooked me dinner. I didn't have to stand in the kitchen or wash dishes. I just had to show up, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that God has placed people in my life who care for me, who insist that I eat actual food, even when I don't feel like it, and who cook it for me.
Today's Verse
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
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