I think coming home from a retreat can be harder than whatever it is I've been through or dealt with at the retreat. Bringing myself back to a familiar environment, full of familiar schedules, familiar pattern can make holding on the changes I experienced elsewhere rather difficult.
Today I find myself full of thoughts about what I AM. Today I AM tired, I AM in pain, and I AM afraid I won't be able to cling to the weekend's revelations. I AM trying hard to remember the things I learned about myself this weekend. I AM trying hard to keep moving forward.
In the midst of all this I am reminded that it isn't what I am that matters. It isn't my efforts that matter. Without God and His sovereign assistance, I can do nothing, but with Christ I can do all things. With Christ I can have energy. With Christ I can ignore the pain. With Christ I can continue learning, continue moving forward. With Christ I don't have to be afraid of staying the same.
HE IS a supplier, defender, protector, teacher, motivator, father, friend. And I am realizing that He is enough.
Today's Verse
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
An exploration of faith and hope in the midst of fibromyalgia and the various and sundry things of life.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Being Needy
Sunday night we had our regularly scheduled Penn State Christian Grads meeting, but instead of our usual Bible study-type format, we had an experiential prayer night. I had never done anything like that before: there were stations set up around the room, each station had a different activity, each station was designed to address a specific thing in prayer. Having spent the majority of the weekend in prayer at a retreat, listening for God's voice and pursuing healing, I wasn't sure what more God could reveal to me.
I should have known better.
At the station entitled "Altar of Surrender" the first step was to present our needs, worries, fears, frustrations, and pressures to God. We were to lay them out, asking Him to reveal His plan for them and what He wants us to do about them. When I sat down and read the prompt, I picked up my pen, ready to start by writing down my needs. And I couldn't do it. My brain wouldn't come up with any needs, my hand wouldn't write them down. I asked God, "Why is this so hard? I've spent all weekend in prayer about these kinds of things, why can't I do it right now?"
He answered, "You need to become comfortable with needing."
I've developed an intense aversion to anything resembling neediness. I hate asking for help. I hate depending on others. I am pathologically afraid of being called or even thought of as 'needy'.
There are so many ways that this manifests itself in my life. I walk places whenever I possibly can, whenever it's safe, to avoid needing a ride. I avoid going to the doctor when I'm sick, even when I know I probably need antibiotics. Now I see that I also avoid needing God. My fear of need has resulted in an inability to recognize when I need help, to accept the grace, support, and strength of God, to open myself up and ask for support from other people.
God created me to live in community with Him. He created me to live in community with others. We aren't created to be alone, to be totally independent of others, to be solitary. He created us to need. I'm trying to accept that now.
Are you comfortable with needing God? Are you comfortable with needing others?
Today's Verse
2 Corinthians 3:17
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
I should have known better.
At the station entitled "Altar of Surrender" the first step was to present our needs, worries, fears, frustrations, and pressures to God. We were to lay them out, asking Him to reveal His plan for them and what He wants us to do about them. When I sat down and read the prompt, I picked up my pen, ready to start by writing down my needs. And I couldn't do it. My brain wouldn't come up with any needs, my hand wouldn't write them down. I asked God, "Why is this so hard? I've spent all weekend in prayer about these kinds of things, why can't I do it right now?"
He answered, "You need to become comfortable with needing."
I've developed an intense aversion to anything resembling neediness. I hate asking for help. I hate depending on others. I am pathologically afraid of being called or even thought of as 'needy'.
There are so many ways that this manifests itself in my life. I walk places whenever I possibly can, whenever it's safe, to avoid needing a ride. I avoid going to the doctor when I'm sick, even when I know I probably need antibiotics. Now I see that I also avoid needing God. My fear of need has resulted in an inability to recognize when I need help, to accept the grace, support, and strength of God, to open myself up and ask for support from other people.
God created me to live in community with Him. He created me to live in community with others. We aren't created to be alone, to be totally independent of others, to be solitary. He created us to need. I'm trying to accept that now.
Are you comfortable with needing God? Are you comfortable with needing others?
Today's Verse
2 Corinthians 3:17
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Open Up
The sermon this weekend was about listening. Listening for God's prompting, for His calling on our lives, for whatever He wants to tell us. Our pastor mentions the ways in which God speaks: His Word, the Spirit, the church, other people, and circumstances. He then asked us whether we wanted to hear from God, whether we were actively seeking His voice.
What does that mean? For me, it means spending serious time reading the Bible, intentional time in prayer. But it also means being open. It means approaching God with humility, asking to hear His voice rather than attempting to get Him to hear mine. It means not being afraid of what I might hear, or at least being willing to risk being afraid. It means being open to change, open to correction, open to being led rather than taking the lead. It means following up, pursuing God's wisdom, seeking clarity.
Are you seeking God's voice? What is He saying? Are you listening?
Today's Verse:
Matthew 4:4
Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"
What does that mean? For me, it means spending serious time reading the Bible, intentional time in prayer. But it also means being open. It means approaching God with humility, asking to hear His voice rather than attempting to get Him to hear mine. It means not being afraid of what I might hear, or at least being willing to risk being afraid. It means being open to change, open to correction, open to being led rather than taking the lead. It means following up, pursuing God's wisdom, seeking clarity.
Are you seeking God's voice? What is He saying? Are you listening?
Today's Verse:
Matthew 4:4
Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"
Friday, March 1, 2013
No Fear in Love
I hear about love a lot. From friends, from books, from TV. I hear about fear and struggles and longing and disappointment. I hear messages of defeat and sadness and bitterness and hopelessness. Words of hope and joy fight to keep from getting drowned out by all the negativity and fear. Sometimes they lose the battle. Sometimes I hear that negativity, that fear, coming from myself.
Lately I've been thinking about what love really is. It isn't disappointment and hopelessness and discontent. It isn't being afraid of pain, rejection, or being alone. It isn't being afraid.
The bottom line: THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE
Love is not what we tend to make it out to be. It's not puppies and rainbows and Valentines. Nor is it some kind of young adult novel, characterized by angst where fear and insecurity mean things are going well. Instead, GOD is love. That's it. God. Is. Love.
When we find ourselves looking for love anywhere but God, we are bound to be disappointed. Why are we surprised that we struggle and face negativity when we take our eyes off of God, who IS love, and look for His perfect love from someone or anything else? God's love drives out fear. When we except His love for us, how can we fear that we will never be loved or fear being alone? Why do we fear disappointment? We aren't unloved. We aren't alone. God loves us. God is with us. God will never disappoint.
When you feel unloved and alone, where do you turn? What do you look to for comfort? Live in the love God has for you.
Today's Verses
1 John 4: 16, 18
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them...There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
Lately I've been thinking about what love really is. It isn't disappointment and hopelessness and discontent. It isn't being afraid of pain, rejection, or being alone. It isn't being afraid.
The bottom line: THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE
Love is not what we tend to make it out to be. It's not puppies and rainbows and Valentines. Nor is it some kind of young adult novel, characterized by angst where fear and insecurity mean things are going well. Instead, GOD is love. That's it. God. Is. Love.
When we find ourselves looking for love anywhere but God, we are bound to be disappointed. Why are we surprised that we struggle and face negativity when we take our eyes off of God, who IS love, and look for His perfect love from someone or anything else? God's love drives out fear. When we except His love for us, how can we fear that we will never be loved or fear being alone? Why do we fear disappointment? We aren't unloved. We aren't alone. God loves us. God is with us. God will never disappoint.
When you feel unloved and alone, where do you turn? What do you look to for comfort? Live in the love God has for you.
Today's Verses
1 John 4: 16, 18
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them...There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Turning into the Skid
A wise woman I know presents the idea that, when driving,
accelerating and turning into a skid is the best way to correct and recover
(turning away, overcorrecting, are our first instincts and they are incredibly
dangerous). She wonders if God wants us to accelerate and turn into the very
things that frighten us, in order to recover and correct our paths.
I have spent the last several months discovering the things that I truly fear. My deep-seated, insidious fears about myself, my life, and God are slowly coming to light. But maybe awareness isn’t enough. Maybe just knowing what I fear and even discussing my fears with God and others isn’t enough. Maybe I should accelerate and turn into those fears, throwing myself on God’s mercy and trusting him to handle things.
I’m not sure what that looks like, but I have a feeling it means accepting God’s help when I face uncomfortable and fearful situations. It means trusting God to go before me, trusting that my first reaction, to turn in the opposite direction, is what I shouldn’t do. Instead, I should go with it, go with God.
Today's Verse
Romans 8: 28, 31
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose… What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
I have spent the last several months discovering the things that I truly fear. My deep-seated, insidious fears about myself, my life, and God are slowly coming to light. But maybe awareness isn’t enough. Maybe just knowing what I fear and even discussing my fears with God and others isn’t enough. Maybe I should accelerate and turn into those fears, throwing myself on God’s mercy and trusting him to handle things.
I’m not sure what that looks like, but I have a feeling it means accepting God’s help when I face uncomfortable and fearful situations. It means trusting God to go before me, trusting that my first reaction, to turn in the opposite direction, is what I shouldn’t do. Instead, I should go with it, go with God.
Today's Verse
Romans 8: 28, 31
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose… What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
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